'Bachelorette' recap, episode 5, London calling
Contestants on "The Bachelorette" traveled to London, where they vied for Emily's heart by performing Shakespeare. (ABC)
Emily travels to London with her top 10 men. When Chris Harrison greets the group in Trafalgar Square, he congratulates them on being one step closer to marrying Emily. There are no cheers, no smiles. They finally realized this is more than an all-expenses paid vacation with a bunch of douche bags and cameras.
Shawn's face finds good lighting
Sarah: Emily invites Shawn ("Biceps") on a one-on-one date. They start with a double-decker bus tour and a quick walk through the park. When they come upon Speaker's Corner, Shawn hops right on the stump and gives a speech on love. While it wouldn't win any awards, he is confident and his face doesn't look half bad in the sunlight. Later they dine at the Tower of London in the room that King Henry VIII locked up his wives (and beheaded two of them). Romantic. Then Emily and her smoker's voice reward him with a rose.
Chris: The date card clue says, "Love takes no prisoners." Does she understand what that means? Maybe one of them will die by the end of the date? (Fingers crossed.) It's slightly depressing when Emily regurgitates the history of London that the producers obviously force-fed her. She should stick to what she knows -- having babies and reality television.
Shakespeare confuses group date
Sarah: Chris ("Bobble Head"), Arie ("Speed Racer"), Single Dad Doug, Ryan ("Fluff Head"), Alejandro, Travis ("Ostrich Egg"), John ("Wolf") and Kalon ("Helicopter Guy") are annoyed when they are selected for the group date, which is ridiculous because they all enjoy having pissing contests in front of Emily. They venture to Stratford-upon-Avon (Shakespeare's birthplace) and perform scenes from "Romeo and Juliet." Kalon approaches the role way too seriously (this is "The Bachelorette," not Broadway) and shoos Emily away so he can rehearse "properly." Arie is more nervous than a freshman with a boner forced to read Shakespeare in front of the class.
Chris: Kalon refers to Ricki as "baggage," angering all of the men. That's a terrible thing to say -- at least baggage is useful. It carries your clothing and you can put it under the plane so it won't bother you during a long flight. Kalon should apologize to all forms of luggage. Though she says she wants to go "West Virginia hood rat backwoods on his ass," she just sends him home and keeps the rose to herself. I guess honesty isn't the best policy.
Jef with one "f" gets a kiss
Sarah: Emily and Jef ("Jerry Lee Lewis") attempt to take an afternoon tea etiquette class and fail miserably. They duck out and head to a pub, and it was there that I realized I actually like his Jerry Lee Lewis hair. He doesn't use a lot of product and it looks so soft. They end the date with dessert on the London Eye -- one of my bucket list items, but they don't eat the dessert or even make out, so it was a complete waste.
Chris: If the Bachelorette contestants were food, this guy would be a saltine cracker.
Shortest, most efficient rose ceremony ever
Sarah: Emily spent the entire cocktail party talking about Kalon and how she needs someone to protect her. Get Kasey Kahl -- he will be happy to guard and protect her heart. She cuts Alejandro, as predicted -- he still hadn't earned a nickname.
Chris: Previews for the next episode show the group traveling to Dubrovnik, Croatia. Fifty bucks says Emily couldn't point to Croatia on a map.
The Remaining Men
Arie, 30 "Speed Racer" -- He looks like Zach Braff with an allergic reaction to face wash.
Chris, 25 "Bobble Head" -- We finally figured out why he looks so familiar -- Lieutenant Dan from "Forrest Gump!"
Doug, 33 "Single Dad Doug" -- He's holding steady in our top three.
Jef, 27 "Jerry Lee Lewis" -- He's 25 going on 13, but he's in our top three.
John, 30 "Wolf" -- Is this the guy that played Paul Kellerman on "Prison Break?"
Ryan, 31 "Fluff Head" -- He's bad news and in this for the wrong reasons. And what on earth is up with that weird pirate facial hair he's sporting?
Sean, 28 "Biceps" -- Welcome to our top three.
Travis, 30 "Ostrich Egg" -- A pretty good Shakespeare actor, not such a nerdy tool as originally assumed.