I wasn't prepared for the emotional roller coaster I would be on when Jude was born. Now a month later, I wonder if I will ever gain the right perspective.

When Jude was first born the morning of January 13th, I felt a huge range of emotions.  Relief and excitement that she was finally here.  Sad because her arm had not formed the way we prayed it would.  Fear about what else would be discovered.  Worry about her future.  Hopeful that we could fix whatever needed to be fixed. 

It's no fun when someone takes your hope away.  This week Joe and I took Jude to Shriner's Hospital in St. Louis.  We saw one of the best upper extremity specialists in the country.  He told us someday they might be able to operate on Jude's left hand to give it more functionality, but that was it.

"What about an elbow joint" I wondered

No.  She doesn't have the supporting tissue for an elbow joint.  No muscles, tendons or nerves there.  Besides, the doctor said, "Elbow joints don't last very long.  Maybe 2 years and they are almost never done in children"

"Can we separate the first two fingers on her left hand?"  They are fused together and my hope was to separate them so she could have three functioning fingers.   The doctor said that might not be a good idea.  The two fingers share a growth plate at the base and if we cut that to separate them, she may not have any funtionality.  We'll have to wait and see how they grow.

After a lot more questions and answers we left Shriners feeling somewhat defeated.  They are one of the best in the country, if they don't have solutions for us who would?  You see even after a month, I can't quite bring myself to accept that we can't fix Jude's arm.  I don't know how any parent accepts their child being cheated.  That's how I feel.  Jude was cheated out of the normal arms and legs that almost every baby is born with.  The ten fingers that everyone plays with on babies, she doesn't have them.  She has 7.  I feel like she was cheated and I'm mad at God.

Jude's right femur is also shorter than her left.  It's only a centimeter.  The doctors say we'll have to see how she grows over the years.  Will the discrepancy between the two become greater or stay the same.  Who knows?  I hope it will stay the same and we won't have a leg issue to deal with in the future.  So I guess I still have a little hope.

Two days later we saw another specialist here in Springfield.  He is from Kansas City. He discovered a problem with Jude's right elbow.  It doesn't bend and straighten the way it's supposed to.  I can't stand to hear anymore problems.  I also don't want to hear the word "special" anymore.  It's become like a swear word.  People are well meaning and say it to us all the time.  In the form of  "she will be such a special girl and accomplish things you can't imagine"  or "God gave her special parents to help her through these challenges"  I don't want to have a "special" situation.  I just want our daughter to be boring old normal with all her body parts. 

It's selfish, I know.  A lot of parents are dealing with much worse I realize that.  But I just can't seem to bring myself out of mourning for what I want her to have.  And I may have to accept that she will never get it.  If anyone has any advice on how to do this I need to hear it.

I'm afraid this blog entry has become like a venting process for me.  I've never dealt with anything like this in my life.  When you have children your emotions and love for them are compounded 100 times than what you've ever felt before.  I wondered if I should share our journey with Jude on this blog.  But then Joe reminded me that everyday, as reporters, we ask people to share their personal struggles with us on the air.  And I've always believed that sharing your stories helps.  Helps you grieve, helps you progress, helps you grow.  I hope it will help me do that.

On the positive side, the outpouring of support and prayers from everyone in the Ozarks has been amazing.  I can't get to everyone who sent us an email or a card or a gift.  But please accept my heartfelt thanks right now.  You are an outstanding community and I'm glad we live here.

Thank you everyone.  I will see you back on the air on KSPR March 31st.  Christine